By The Self Development Coach, Johnny Lawrence.
When asked what good mental health means to you? Many would reply with answers such as happiness, fulfilment or joy. However, they are merely a fluctuation in mental health, and when they are not present, you can feel as if you have nothing. What if it is more about establishing a baseline? Those experiences are fleeting and happen to us within the moments of our lives; therefore, it would make sense to pursue something more rigid. How about stability? Knowing that when you wake up in the morning, there are things in your life that can be relied upon. Such as a partner, someone to share your life with, raise children with, build a home together and someone to share our wins with and feel supported when we experience failures. When we place this level of trust in another human being, they can feel like the other half of us, and some may even claim that their partner completes them. It’s no surprise that the destabilising experience that comes with discovering a partner has betrayed you, is one of the worst emotional experiences a person can endure. It feels like you can no longer trust life and will never feel okay again. One moment, you think you're in a stable, loving relationship. The next, you discover you do not know this person, which is genuinely terrifying. It’s broadly believed that men cheat for sex and women cheat for love, which can be further defined as connection and attention. Research has revealed that up to 40% of relationships are impacted by infidelity (1); however, this high number has me curious as to what contributes to a breakdown in a relationship that becomes so broken that one member of the couple pursues the option of an affair. I have no evidence or examples that anyone I have spoken to would be willing to share. Still, I will share my observations from reading, studying, and working with individuals and couples who have been consistent and reliable in their reports.
Accepting Life After Infidelity
Firstly, what strikes me every time I hear an account of someone who has cheated is that it is almost always word for word the same. I felt neglected; we were constantly arguing, and it felt like you hated me. I never thought it would go this far, and once I started, I couldn’t stop. Regardless of gender, people frequently report these statements. It immediately enrages the person who has been cheated on as it gives the impression that the cheater is taking no responsibility. Sometimes, it might feel as if they are being blamed for the other person's adulterous behaviour. This is understandable as the level of emotional hurt being experienced by the person cheated on is overwhelming. In the early days, there is anger, denial, justifying and a conflicting feeling of wanting the cheater to leave and never come back, but at the same time, they are someone who usually makes you feel safe and comfortable; therefore, you don’t want them to leave your side. It’s an impossible feeling. Accompanying this is a feeling not unlike grief. Many believe that grief is just about death, but grief is about loss—the loss of something important to you. So, early on in this situation, it’s advisable not to make any permanent decisions. Are you staying together? How do we separate our money and parental responsibilities, and where do we both live? These are all part of the anxiety that comes with the destabilisation and loss. This stage is just about experiencing the messages of your emotions and practising accepting the new reality of your life after an affair.
Knowledge is Not Always Power
In the beginning, it can be helpful to allow your emotions. Avoiding, suppressing and denying only delays discomfort and likely leads to more significant pain. It’s as if you are pushing down on a powerful string that patiently waits until you no longer have the energy to fight, and then it launches with overwhelming power and impact. That said, there will come a point where you will both need to decide what you will do: stay together and make it work for the second version of your relationship or go your separate ways. But, before that, the cheated party will want to read messages, know details of sexual encounters, hear about words that were shared and whether there was love. I will say this: I absolutely understand this. It may feel like if you get those answers, it will help somehow. It’s as if the person who cheats will say some magic words that will help it make sense, justify it, or, in some way, make it okay or better. But they won’t. All that will happen is you will have more questions, and the details and answers will only destabilise you further and deepen the wounds. What if you sat alone and figured out what you need to know and what knowing the answers gives you? All affairs are the same, and there is nothing new there. Reading messages and knowing details will not change what has happened but will haunt you forever and perhaps even prevent you from moving forward and letting go. Once you have asked the questions and feel you have the truth, let that be the last time you ask.
The Truth is all That Matters
To the person who cheated, I cannot make this statement strong enough. Tell the truth. You have broken the trust, and in these early moments, you may want to lie to save your feelings or theirs, which might feel like the right thing to do. But it’s not. You don't have to deliver savage details, but what you say must be true. Nobody can promise you will stay together, but it is almost over if you decide to make it work and it’s discovered you have lied later. Allow the person you have betrayed the opportunity to accept the truth or not. They have earned that respect. The biggest question I’m asked at this point is, can a couple recover from an affair? My answer is… yes. I have seen it and know of a couple celebrating over ten years of being happily married after an affair. If you choose to stay together, repairing your relationship cannot be about what happened. It must be about what contributed to it happening. This is tough for the person being cheated on as it implies that it's their fault and that what has happened must be forgotten. However, if you are embarking on trying to stay together, both parties must accept that they both hold some accountability for the relationship breakdown but not the affair. There was neglect from both sides, and you both ignored it to the point where it manifested itself in the only way that would force you to pay attention to the problems. What must be understood is that this line of thinking does not justify what has happened. An affair is wrong without exception.
Resentment is a Relationship Killer
In most cases, the most significant relationship killer is resentment. Slowly, over time, and for varying reasons, each person collects small micro resentments that gather and build until it's almost impossible to see the other person lovingly. Therefore, you begin to resent them. Worst still, you stop respecting each other and replace it with contempt, which is fatal. You have a need, and the other person always promised to fulfil it, and now they have stopped. They may have even used your need for sex, attention, love, to be heard or something else as a form of currency or a bargaining tool. This left an unfortunate opening for someone else to fulfil their need. My wife and I have a house plant that we are not good at caring for. Plants need nurturing; otherwise, they will wilt away and die. One day, we went on holiday and asked my wife's mother to look after the house. She noticed the plant was wilting, took it home, and looked after it. The moral of this story is that if you don’t nurture and care for something, someone else will do it, or it will wilt and die.
What happened to Us?
So, what do you do next? If you decide to try to stay together, how will you move forward? Now is the time to focus on what happened, not in the affair but in your relationship. It’s time to listen to each other to understand your feelings. Try with everything you have to put yourself in their position and ask yourself, what must it have been like to be them in that situation? What would you have done? Be honest and try to be empathetic. If you want to repair what is broken, you must be willing to do this; that said, there are no guarantees. People change, people lose parents and loved ones, and the demands of being a parent and the responsibility of work, money and running a household all change people. Remember, this is not about avoiding responsibility or focusing on blame. It's about finding out what happened so that you can find solutions together and prevent it from happening in the future. An excellent place to start with this is by formally inviting the other person to life meetings. You set a timer for three minutes; in that time, only one person is permitted to speak, and the other must listen. Even if the speaker stops talking after two minutes, the remaining time remains theirs, and the listener must remain silent. One round is complete when both have had their three minutes, and this process can be repeated a few times until everything is addressed. This is helpful because couples often interrupt each other by speaking over the other because they have forecasted what is being said and want to defend themselves and “put it right”.
Building Communication & Respect
Recovering from an affair is one of the hardest things that a couple will ever do, but it is possible. After years of effort, I often witness the couples that do the work enjoy one of the best relationships they will ever have, as all that led to the awful affair will have been spoken about, understood and resolved to a place where it cannot happen again. They also build a solid method of communicating and listening to each other. They build respect again, and this can increase a feeling of intense love and passion. Some will decide that the relationship is over and that they must separate. This is not the wrong decision if it's been thought through rationally and, perhaps, discussed with the people who love and want the best for you and that you genuinely feel it's the best path forward for you. No one else knows what is best for you more than you do. I will say that living with the regret of not trying and wondering “what if” holds the potential to erode at you, whereas even if you tried and failed, at least you would have a conclusion to accept. When an affair happens, that relationship is over. If you stay together, you must start a new relationship. One that includes and acknowledges the latest versions of yourselves and the evolution over the years you’ve been together. Many people are fortunate to enjoy two great loves in their lives. Sometimes, it can be with the same person. When a couple experiences an affair, there will be no end of advice from friends and family. Most of them will be spoken from their place of hurt and their values and beliefs about the world. However, they are not you; it is your judgement and wants that matter here, and they do matter. It's often best to share what has happened with as few people as possible as you may learn to move forward, but others may not, which can become a big problem. I hope this article offers hope that things can get better and that if you try to stay together, you are not a fool and that it is possible. I wish you good luck.
References
1. University of Washington, et al. “Infidelity and Behavioural Couple Therapy: Relationship Outcomes Over 5 Years Following Therapy.” Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, vol. 3, no. 1, 2014, pp. 1-12.
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