By The Self Development Coach, Johnny Lawrence.
At the time of this article being published, we are nearing the end of December, and this is typically a time of year when people have some time off work, get together with family and friends, and generally over-indulge in many different ways. This time of year can present many reasons for mounting stress. This can poke and prod at old childhood wounds, resulting in a feeling of them being reopened, and you may even find that new ones are being created. You throw in alcohol, unvoiced resentments and the subtle collection of misunderstandings and conflicts and your anxiety can become amplified rapidly. Over time and due to my own experiences and those of my clients and friends, I have found some things to be aware of and perhaps even become prepared for that can act as a type of anxiety tool kit.
Have pre-prepared answers to triggering questions.
There will always be people who either deliberately or un-deliberately say and do things that leave you feeling emotionally triggered, which can bring out some of your less desirable traits. Family members are usually masterful at this, as in most cases, they helped create the trigger in the first place. What if you identified the usual suspects? There is no need to announce this, but it may allow you to prepare your reactions and responses to them. However, if all else fails, prepare yourself for a situation where you may have to walk away from people politely.
Let Go of Resentments.
This is typically the time of the year when we are more likely to say yes when we want to say no. When we do that, we trade short-term uncomfortableness for long-term resentment. Over time, we collect so many resentments that everything a person does is seen through our resentments. Harbouring these resentments is a draining way to live your life. Imagine a scale from one to ten, with one end being calm and patient and the other being frustrated and impatient. Let’s say, on average, you sit around a three, which would be closer to calm and patient. Holding onto resentments can boost that three to a ‘feels like a seven’. This may leave you prone to outbursts of anger, saying things you may later regret, and generally behaving regrettably. The time to deal with this situation is not when you emotionally explode. I’ve found that it's far easier to prevent this situation by resolving any resentments beforehand than allowing them to come to a climax and attempting to fix the problem then. Beware, this is far easier in theory than practice, but practice makes progress.
Practice being mindful, not anxiety.
Anxiety likes to use catastrophisation to predict an always uncertain future. When we spiral, we have the option of spiralling in two directions: outward, making the problem bigger using catastrophisation and anxiety. Or inward toward a solution and making the problem smaller by using problem-solving and perspective shifts. This must be intentional as left to our natural emotional reactions, we are far more likely to spiral outwards. Try not to allow a feeling of overwhelm to take you to an unhelpful place. Constantly put effort into being open to bringing yourself back to what’s real and happening, as those are the things that you can apply real solutions to. Real problems have tangible solutions. Anxiety is a projection of our fears.
Have something planned that you look forward to.
On some occasions, having something to look forward to can be the only thing that gets you through the day. So, what if you planned something to look forward to? Such as a walk somewhere beautiful, time with a friend or some tasty food. Do something for yourself—something you love doing, perhaps with people you love being around. Being there for others makes you a kind and well-meaning person. However, don’t leave yourself out. Cast a vote for you and do so unapologetically. You don't need to ask for permission or justify. You can do it with consideration, but make sure you do it. You are important, too.
Reach out to someone who you know gets you.
Sometimes, you need to rant, laugh, or problem-solve, but you don’t need judgment, unhelpful encouragement or opinions. You need a place to be heard—to speak and listen to how you feel. You don’t need context, perspective or “well, at least this didn’t happen”. Identify that friend that gets you. That’s the person that you can text or say swear words to, and you both laugh. That person you can call, voice note or send inappropriate memes to. That person is your person. What if you had them on standby and offered to do the same for them?
Focus on what brings you joy.
This one can be simple. Children and animals can bring stress, but in most cases, this is when you are trying to do something else or get something done. They can feel like an extra demand you don’t need right now. However, what if you looked at them as a source of joy? What if walking the dog wasn’t a chore? What if you delegated jobs to others and took the dog out for an hour? What if you cuddled with your child, did a puzzle together, played a game, read a book or watched a film? What if you demanded the television and watched a comedy show? Better still, found a quiet space and listened to a podcast that always makes you laugh?
The Family Political Divide.
Finally, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. There are opinions, topics, subjects and people that always cause drama. You add alcohol into the equation, and it quickly becomes an episode of your favourite drama or soap opera. Identify this beforehand and have a plan for these people, situations or behaviours. Before you can set boundaries, you must decide what you want and don’t want. At certain times of the year, you may feel forced into situations where you must spend time with people you do not get along with. This is life, but if you’re honest with yourself, you likely know the topics and situations you must avoid. These people are often committed to their opinions of the world and are not interested in changing them for you. It’s easier to stay away from topics you’ll disagree on. Otherwise, the one-upmanship begins and inevitably will end with unpleasantness. There will be people who have strong opinions about race, religion, sexuality, class, politics and gender and no matter what words you choose, they will meet you with their bias, prejudice, judgements and harsh words. Think of this as a fork in the road. One road leads to that person, and the other to someone else. Pick someone else, don’t engage, and save yourself from unpleasantness. Understandably, some of you may ask yourself, “Why must I be that person? Why can’t they?”. Well, they are not capable of this behaviour, are you?
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